A series of journal entries that say more than what I could tell you now about how my adventure in Swaziland was coming to an end:

4-3-11
I need to turn up the heat, pump harder, run faster. For those who hope in the Lord will soar on wings like eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint. OH wash away my sin and let me soar like an eagle. I am yours. You are my God. Hear and answer as I continue my prayers for Tenele. I will not cease because your love, your grace, and your goodness never ends. May your very beauty and power wash over me, O Spirit. Let these last weeks here be the best weeks of ministry yet. May the miracle of Easter come alive in Tenele’s heart…that she can make one bold decision to step out in faith to take the jump…and land on the wings of an Eagle! Yebo Jesu!

4-7-11
Oh breath of life come breathe on me. Bread of life come fill me up! Lord, thank you for working through my heart and my life…even when I don’t know it. Lord, you said, ‘Those who look to the Lord are radiant and their faces shall never be ashamed.’ Thank you for making me radiant! Today Eilidh said that two of her students wrote about me in their compositions about love. It’s crazy how you can touch people when I “do” nothing. It just goes to show it has nothing to do with me. Lord, I have taken the passenger seat once again, and let you take the driver’s seat as it should be. Continue to touch lives, change hearts, and turn Swazi upside down!

4-8-11
God, I am going to cry like a baby in a month when I have to leave. 🙁 I got tears in my eyes already when I saw the picture of Tenele by my fingerprints wall. Oh how my heart hurts so so so much for her and the new life she’s carrying. Jesu, give that baby a good home. Put the child in good human hands that reflect your hands. Even if that means…mine.

Lord, please prepare my heart to leave and heal the hurting already.

Thank you for a wonderful Friday at school! At break time, I brought my football and taught the kids 500! And Sebenele has an INCREDIBLE arm! I want to teach him to play real American football. 🙂 Also it was nice having Mr. Matsebula ask me (no, actually tell me) to lead prayer at the assembly today. It was wonderful being able to pray over and with all the students. I’m soaking in these moments. Lord, I love you. You are my life — and that’s why I can go anywhere because no matter where I go, there you are. Thank you.

4-10-11
God, you are so good. Your goodness washes over me. Your Spirit is my hope and strength. Thank you for redeeming and restoring. Thank you for the gift of seeing Tenele today! You amaze me. Thank you for brining Johannes and Ayanda over this morning and having our bible study. Thank you for Alex and our trip to Mangwaneni, and how you clearly had this all orchestrated…

As we walked through Mangwaneni to Johannes’ place, Johannes pointed out Tenele on the way. When Tenele saw us, she hesitated as always and almost seemed as if she wasn’t going to come, but she finally wandered over. I didn’t talk too much to her. She didn’t seem drunk or high, yet she wasn’t quite herself. She reached for my hand a few times but only briefly. She didn’t stay long, but she did walk all the way with us to see Johannes’ baby niece.

Tenele then said she was leaving but I told her to wait. She shook her head no and started to walk away but I gently grabbed her wrist and despite her pulling I refused to let go. She finally let me pull her back in and she leaned into my hug. I took her hands and had her face me. I said, “Tenele, if you’re pregnant (up to this point she still hadn’t admitted to me that she was pregnant), you can’t drink or smoke. It will hurt the baby.” I wanted to see her response and I expected her to laugh like last time, to turn away and deny her being pregnant. She did none of the above. I was surprised when she looked at me and slightly nodded. I repeated what I said and talked about how she needs to take care of herself and the baby. She said nothing (which speaks volumes) and nodded. I told her, “Tenele, you need to tell me these things so that I can help you.” She nodded and her eyes told me she truly understood. Her eyes also told me what her mouth doesn’t. As we said goodbye, I caught a glimmer of tears in her eyes. Her eyes told me she was pregnant, that she understood, and that she was carrying the pain.

When I got back, I sat on my bed and cried again for Tenele.

4-13-11
I just left Johannes and he made me cry. He blessed me, prayed for me, showed me Luke 18 and said the verse about leaving your family and being blessed was about me and he commended me for it. He talked about not coming to the volunteer house anymore when I am gone because it’d be too painful for him because I wont’ be there. Oh God, I am weeping now–how painful it hurts to know my leaving hurts these kids so much.