When We Love Like That
I get a phone call one night from Tenele: “Mom, it’s not
good here. My mother is talking things
again and she just want money. She no
want me here. I’m going to leave at
month’s end.”
good here. My mother is talking things
again and she just want money. She no
want me here. I’m going to leave at
month’s end.”
I’m not surprised.
Deep down I knew this was going to be the result, but I had hoped
miraculously her mother would be different.
“When will you come back? Where
will you go?” I ask.
Deep down I knew this was going to be the result, but I had hoped
miraculously her mother would be different.
“When will you come back? Where
will you go?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” she answers honestly. “But I will come to you first, I
promise.” She sounds so convincing.
promise.” She sounds so convincing.
Before long, it’s my brother’s last few days in Swazi and
still no phone call or sign from Tenele.
We decide to plan a trip out to the bush to see her at the homestead, so
I call her mom. Her step-dad answers and
tells me Tenele had left three days ago.
still no phone call or sign from Tenele.
We decide to plan a trip out to the bush to see her at the homestead, so
I call her mom. Her step-dad answers and
tells me Tenele had left three days ago.
I’m confused. Why wouldn’t she come here? Especially since she was so excited to see
Garret?
Garret?
Later that night I find out from Ayanda that she is back
in Mangwaneni…and trying to hide.
in Mangwaneni…and trying to hide.
I turn livid.
The following day we go to find her because Garret wants
to see her, not me. In fact, I stay in
the car with Benny and Lucia while he, Rachel, Tony, and Ayanda search for her.
Almost an hour later, they finally
return (after Ayanda had to coax and threaten Tenele to come to us).
to see her, not me. In fact, I stay in
the car with Benny and Lucia while he, Rachel, Tony, and Ayanda search for her.
Almost an hour later, they finally
return (after Ayanda had to coax and threaten Tenele to come to us).
I see Tenele, but instead of my heart leaping, it
burns. Her eyes are not pretty. I can read everything from her eyes. I’ve said this in the past many times, that
although she lies often, her eyes never
lie. And her eyes are now filled with
evil.
burns. Her eyes are not pretty. I can read everything from her eyes. I’ve said this in the past many times, that
although she lies often, her eyes never
lie. And her eyes are now filled with
evil.
Sure enough, she barely greets me. I ask her what happened, why she didn’t come
to me like she promised; she spits out a response in SiSwati. She turns to Lucia and starts saying nasty
things to her and about me. Luckily for
me, I know some of the “naughty” SiSwati words and know what she is saying so I
quickly shoo her away, demanding her to leave if she can’t talk properly. She leaves.
As she turns away, she covers her face in her elbow and cries. Garret jogs after her to say goodbye but my
heart remains like rock. I’m so done with her, I shake my head.
After all I’ve done… and she says those things about me? And to Lucia?
No, I’m not putting up with her anymore… I decide to myself on the piercingly silent
drive home.
to me like she promised; she spits out a response in SiSwati. She turns to Lucia and starts saying nasty
things to her and about me. Luckily for
me, I know some of the “naughty” SiSwati words and know what she is saying so I
quickly shoo her away, demanding her to leave if she can’t talk properly. She leaves.
As she turns away, she covers her face in her elbow and cries. Garret jogs after her to say goodbye but my
heart remains like rock. I’m so done with her, I shake my head.
After all I’ve done… and she says those things about me? And to Lucia?
No, I’m not putting up with her anymore… I decide to myself on the piercingly silent
drive home.
I run a few more errands that day and return to the girls
home at night. Tenele is there. Apparently she had felt so terrible that she
walked all the way to the girls home to apologize. She seems to be in high spirits with her kids
and with the girls. I am not.
home at night. Tenele is there. Apparently she had felt so terrible that she
walked all the way to the girls home to apologize. She seems to be in high spirits with her kids
and with the girls. I am not.
I am angry. I am
fed up. I am finally done. Once and for all. Done.
fed up. I am finally done. Once and for all. Done.
70 x 7… comes
that still small voice in my head.
that still small voice in my head.
“You’ve got to be joking,” I snort. “God, you surely can’t be telling me to
excuse her again.”
excuse her again.”
70 x 7…
“What am I supposed to do? I can’t keep loving her, Lord! I just can’t.”
70 x 7…
I shake my head. I
hear Lucia whimpering outside my door.
Then I hear Tenele’s voice, “Sorry, Lucia, sorry.” I throw open the door, grab Lucia’s hand,
which is rubbing the tears from her eyes, and glare as hotly as I possibly can
at Tenele. Then I pull Lucia into my hug
and slam the door on Tenele.
hear Lucia whimpering outside my door.
Then I hear Tenele’s voice, “Sorry, Lucia, sorry.” I throw open the door, grab Lucia’s hand,
which is rubbing the tears from her eyes, and glare as hotly as I possibly can
at Tenele. Then I pull Lucia into my hug
and slam the door on Tenele.
To my surprise, Tenele opens the door and sits next to
Lucia and me. Nope, can’t do it. I don’t care anymore. I don’t.
I try to convince myself as tears dare to form behind my eyes. She tries to speak, but I turn away. I can’t look at her. She tries to speak again and I cut her
off. I yell at her. I break.
She tries to comfort me by putting her arm around me and repeating,
“Sorry, Mom,” over and over. But I don’t
care. I had convinced myself that I was
done. I try to stay cold and unfeeling
but the tears won’t let me. She is what
everyone told me from the beginning: hopeless.
Lucia and me. Nope, can’t do it. I don’t care anymore. I don’t.
I try to convince myself as tears dare to form behind my eyes. She tries to speak, but I turn away. I can’t look at her. She tries to speak again and I cut her
off. I yell at her. I break.
She tries to comfort me by putting her arm around me and repeating,
“Sorry, Mom,” over and over. But I don’t
care. I had convinced myself that I was
done. I try to stay cold and unfeeling
but the tears won’t let me. She is what
everyone told me from the beginning: hopeless.
70 x 7. Where yours ends is my beginning. Let Me
begin again.
begin again.
I breathe out my anger and hurt. I try to let go of my pride. I fight the urge inside me to help her. Tenele’s the one crying now. And still, my heart is cold. I want to comfort her, but I can’t. She repeats over and over, “Mom, I’m so sorry
I let you down. I’m sorry I left Teen
Challenge,” she speaks about Teen Challenge over and over. “I can tell,” she starts to sob. “You… you…you stopped loving me after I ran
away from Teen Challenge. I can see you
are tired of me. But Mom I love
you. I see you don’t love me anymore…”
she cries.
I let you down. I’m sorry I left Teen
Challenge,” she speaks about Teen Challenge over and over. “I can tell,” she starts to sob. “You… you…you stopped loving me after I ran
away from Teen Challenge. I can see you
are tired of me. But Mom I love
you. I see you don’t love me anymore…”
she cries.
“Tenele, you don’t know what love is,” I say in
exasperation. I talk about God’s
love. She cries harder.
exasperation. I talk about God’s
love. She cries harder.
When she calms down, she takes in her breath and faces
me. “Okay, Mom, I want to tell you the
truth. I don’t believe in God anymore.”
me. “Okay, Mom, I want to tell you the
truth. I don’t believe in God anymore.”
The knife to my already bleeding heart. If seven years…SEVEN YEARS of loving this
girl doesn’t prove to her that God is good and that God is love, then I’ve
spent these seven years for nothing. I’m
crushed. I cry. I’m angry.
I cry out to God, “Is all of this a waste? What have I done wrong? How did this go wrong? Did I really stop loving her? Am I holding Teen Challenge against her? What do you demand of me in this moment for
her? What can I say? What can I do?”
girl doesn’t prove to her that God is good and that God is love, then I’ve
spent these seven years for nothing. I’m
crushed. I cry. I’m angry.
I cry out to God, “Is all of this a waste? What have I done wrong? How did this go wrong? Did I really stop loving her? Am I holding Teen Challenge against her? What do you demand of me in this moment for
her? What can I say? What can I do?”
Hosea. Remember
Hosea.
Hosea.
I grab my Bible for some wisdom, some solace. I open to Hosea, to the place where Tenele
and I began. I flip open to the
introduction by author Gene Giuliano Jr.
There. There it is in
highlighter. He writes, “The story of
God’s covenant relationship is contained in chapter 11…The prophet moves from
describing God’s love for Israel in terms of a marriage to describing it in
terms of a parent-child relationship.
When love is refused or ignored, the good parent, like the good spouse,
continues to love despite being rejected.”
and I began. I flip open to the
introduction by author Gene Giuliano Jr.
There. There it is in
highlighter. He writes, “The story of
God’s covenant relationship is contained in chapter 11…The prophet moves from
describing God’s love for Israel in terms of a marriage to describing it in
terms of a parent-child relationship.
When love is refused or ignored, the good parent, like the good spouse,
continues to love despite being rejected.”
Parent and child.
Redeeming Love. Our story. We read some verses together. I am refreshed. I’m somehow renewed but I don’t understand
how it could happen so quickly. My love
for her is suddenly restored. I
smile. I laugh. How?
How did I go from yelling at her, almost hating her and hating the fact
that I had to waste seven years of life on her to now loving her like she’s
never done any wrong? And I see the
words again…
Redeeming Love. Our story. We read some verses together. I am refreshed. I’m somehow renewed but I don’t understand
how it could happen so quickly. My love
for her is suddenly restored. I
smile. I laugh. How?
How did I go from yelling at her, almost hating her and hating the fact
that I had to waste seven years of life on her to now loving her like she’s
never done any wrong? And I see the
words again…
“Yahweh’s love for Israel is not only unfathomable but
also powerful enough to regenerate. And
therein lies Hosea’s message—Yahweh loves like a new spouse, like a new
parent.”
also powerful enough to regenerate. And
therein lies Hosea’s message—Yahweh loves like a new spouse, like a new
parent.”
There it is. I can
feel God whisper to me, “Mary-Kate, stop holding Tenele’s past against
her. Let go of Teen Challenge. Let go of every wrong. I have forgiven her. Stop judging her. You are to discipline her, yes. But it is mine to punish, mine to judge.”
feel God whisper to me, “Mary-Kate, stop holding Tenele’s past against
her. Let go of Teen Challenge. Let go of every wrong. I have forgiven her. Stop judging her. You are to discipline her, yes. But it is mine to punish, mine to judge.”
I speak to Tenele what I’m hearing the Spirit encourage
me to say: “Tenele, I’m sorry for holding Teen Challenge against you. I’m sorry for making you feel like I don’t
love you anymore. The truth is I was tired, I didn’t want to keep loving
you. But the love I have for you is not
mine. It’s God’s, so I can’t stop loving
you. I won’t stop. In fact, we need to restart. We are going to start completely fresh in our
relationship. I will not hold your past
against you anymore.”
me to say: “Tenele, I’m sorry for holding Teen Challenge against you. I’m sorry for making you feel like I don’t
love you anymore. The truth is I was tired, I didn’t want to keep loving
you. But the love I have for you is not
mine. It’s God’s, so I can’t stop loving
you. I won’t stop. In fact, we need to restart. We are going to start completely fresh in our
relationship. I will not hold your past
against you anymore.”
Some people don’t believe in miracles. If you want to see one, forgive someone who
has deeply wronged you. Tell someone you
will erase their past mistakes and love them newly, like God renews His love
for us as a new spouse—the honeymoon spouse, and a new parent—holding her
newborn like there is nothing greater in the entire world. When we love like that, miracles happen.
has deeply wronged you. Tell someone you
will erase their past mistakes and love them newly, like God renews His love
for us as a new spouse—the honeymoon spouse, and a new parent—holding her
newborn like there is nothing greater in the entire world. When we love like that, miracles happen.
Tenele became a miracle again. The two weeks that followed this moment have
been the most incredible two weeks I have ever had with Tenele in all of my
seven years combined! God is so good!
She is new! It amazes me. I can’t comprehend how deep and wide and
powerful and high is God’s love for us.
This grace is miraculous.
been the most incredible two weeks I have ever had with Tenele in all of my
seven years combined! God is so good!
She is new! It amazes me. I can’t comprehend how deep and wide and
powerful and high is God’s love for us.
This grace is miraculous.
And God knows. Oh
He knows. He knew what Tenele needed to
hear from me; He knew how He needed to prepare me; He knew that I needed to let
go of Tenele’s past. Because her recent
past involves a new life now forming inside of her again. But this time, it’s okay. I tell her the baby bump is beautiful. And finally… she smiles.
He knows. He knew what Tenele needed to
hear from me; He knew how He needed to prepare me; He knew that I needed to let
go of Tenele’s past. Because her recent
past involves a new life now forming inside of her again. But this time, it’s okay. I tell her the baby bump is beautiful. And finally… she smiles.
Recent Comments
Thursday, 17 Sep, 2015
I know about the miracle of Forgiveness and how GOD can transform any relationship/life if you totally surrender it ALL to Him.
You have been given a painful, yet wonderful gift. He continues to ask us to love like He does… until it hurts…. until we have nothing left to give…. so He can take it all and transform it/us.
Love you.
God's Miracles are Great and many when we open our eyes and heart.
Mom
Sunday, 20 Sep, 2015
What an amazing update! God forgives and so should we, especially when its difficult to forgive and love !
Sunday, 20 Sep, 2015
What an amazing update! God forgives and so should we, especially when its difficult to forgive and love !